Tis the season, no not that season! The season of something old, new, borrowed and blue! The season of white dresses, tuxedos and packets of tissues near by for all those “allergies” That’s right wedding season!
Now with seven weddings on the bill this year and one of them being my own in less then ten days, it felt it only natural to make it the subject of my first missFUNNY blog. I mean weddings are hilarious.
Don’t get me wrong the gravity of what’s happening at these things is huge! I feel it myself as I’m about to pledge my life to the man I love a week from Saturday. That’s right folks I’m about to become a Doody. Unfortunately no, that is not code for anything... just my new last name. Now if that’s not love I don’t know what is! Right!
But I’m not going to talk about looove and all that gushy stuff because who wants to read about that… I’m here to get real with you! I’m here to tell you all the things no one else ever does! The low down dirty scoop about what happens during the months leading up to this most exquisite of days… Actually, who am I kidding it’s big party about LOVE, and two people who are IN love, so much in fact that they are making a promise to themselves, each other, and everyone that decided it was important enough to them to be there. In fact it’s so much about love it’s painful. To be clear I am referring to actual physical pain! NOT emotional pain…. I’m talking bleeding fingers, possible trips to the emergency room, head pounding pain… and not just the girly kind!
Exhibit A.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering… What the hell am I looking at! Well I’m going to tell you! Napkin Rings…that’s right there is 180 yes ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY napkin rings!! Each one hand made by yours truly with the assistance of one dedicated aunt and one passionate mother of course! Do you know how bad wire hurts when is penetrating your skin every two minutes! I swear if I bleed one more time I was going to need a tetanus shot! Each ring sculpted to perfection tied for security and hours spent doing craft to make sure it doesn’t look crafty! Explain that one!! But it is because of my love to each and every guest that is coming to my wedding that I went through DAYS of this torture making sure each one of these god forsaken rings looks perfect for each one of those cherished guests! Why do ask... why would you put yourself through so much injury and affliction, why don’t you just buy napkin rings that are already made… well the answer is simple really… LOVE. With each napkin ring I put together I was reminded of a different guest that’s attending, a different memory that is shared and all the memories to be made, that night and for the rest of my new life! Maybe I’m glutton for punishment, but I actually enjoyed making all those resistant little wire circles of love. I just hope they don’t bite back when the guest remove them from there napkins… oops!
Now on to…
Exhibit B.
Aaah, wine tasting a favorite past time of many, the drink of kings… or whatever, as least I can say it’s the drink of Lindsay! AS A PAST TIME! Not when it’s a chore and you are forced to drink so much wine that it not only turns your lips and teeth purple but you end up with the worst hangover you have ever had. Now don’t get me wrong, picking the wine for your wedding is tough job and someone has to do it, and I was of course more then happy to accept the job… but O MY WINE. After drinking what felt like the totally body weight of EVERY guest I can say, with out any hesitation, there will be delicious wine served at this event, and the champagne won’t be too bad either! My dad and I thought we could handle it a lone. We soon realized, half way through the fourth bottle that we need reinforcements. So we called in the big guns, I’m just saying… these guys consume more wine in a month then I know how to… well let’s just say they drink a lot of wine! I tried to keep up but most them out weigh me by a whole me, so that didn’t end so well for… me. Well, I guess one day with a really bad headache is a small price to pay for excellent wine. And I’m not going to lie we had a great time doing it!
Speaking of great times… or should I say NOT so great times we move to…
Exhibit C.
Now, most of you probably don’t know this about me but I have a terrible TERRIBLE nut allergy. Let the jokes begin, and we’re back. Anyway, because of that I made it VERY clear to the caterer that I did not want a single nut anywhere AT the wedding, NEAR the wedding even being talked about in the same sentence as my wedding. I was hoping for just one day where I wouldn’t have worry that after I finished my dinner I may or may not have to stab myself in the leg with a medicated needle! I mean, is that so much to ask?!?! Really. Let’s continue…so, we get to the tasting and she assures me all is well, I’m safe with all the food and have nothing to worry about. Then we start our tasting, we aren’t even half way through the second appetizer and I start to feel it… an itchy throat. But at this point I just think it’s in my head. Because even though I have been diagnosed with this allergy I still think 80% ok 90% of the time it’s psycho-semantic. In any event the nuts were winning… the tongue was swelling and of course I was out of benadryl. Panic sets in, my dad rushes off to the nearest CVS to get me the antihistamine I need. In the mean time I figure I should just drink more wine because my rationale is that maybe the alcohol will kill the nutty-ness or something like that. By the time my father returns from an hour trip to the corner store thanks to traffic, I’m drunk, freaked out and trying to just stay focused on anything other then the fact that my airways are closing at a rapid pace. Have no fear we got the drugs in time and I survived.
Well, evidently that near death experience wasn’t memorable enough for my sweet caterer because the following three months were followed with dessert suggestions that read like this…. Peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, white chocolate and macadamia nut brownies, and my favorite almond brittle!!!!! Is this women nuts you say? (I swear no pun intended there!) But to answers my own question OBVIOUSLY!
So, is my confidence strong that come my wedding day I won’t be needing to have my 5 min long husband stab me violently in the leg in front of our guest… no not exactly! What gets me through it... the thought that I’ll probably be too busy floating around in my newly wed bliss to notice that the only thing I have eaten that day was a cube of cheese! That and all that great wine!!
So there ya go, the truth about the painful, hard, and apparently dangerous work of being a bride. It’s not just pampering and showering like the movies tell us. But I can say this, my cup runneth over, my heart overflows with love for my soon to be husband and for all of those people who are making the trip from near and far to support us while we say some stuff give each other a ring and kiss… (That’s my favorite part!) Well friends the next time you hear from me I will be a Doody! And I’m going to leave you with this little gem… I LOVE DOODY!
